


What The Hell Is Going On?

by Mayamelissa



Series: Hero, Champion, Herald [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Futuristic Earth Girl in Thedas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:09:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5188139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayamelissa/pseuds/Mayamelissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caffeine is a very special woman. She's saved the world once before, you know? But that's a different story for another time. Right now she's stuck in Thedas with no way to contact home. She's got magic and fighting skills that makes the Chantry want to put her in prison, the 5th Blight is on it's way, and for her own safety she has to become a Grey Warden.<br/>Welcome to the start of her life in Thedas.</p><p>Discontinued as it is being rewritten!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stranger in a Strange Land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank the amazingly talented Actually_Fen_Harel for being my beta and you guys should go read her stuff. It is FREAKING AMAZING! I have no clue how to link but look up Faded Reality or A Breach in Time. Also they wrote a book.... Seriously this author is AWESOME!

Caffeine Opium Johnson was definitely not back home.

Her friends were not there. She didn't recognize the forest area at all. And from the sight of the bandits she just kicked the shit out of, she was either crashing a very violent LARP session or she was in some kind of medieval world.

She really hoped it was a LARP session gone wrong.

Of course LARP sessions didn't usually involve real blood and dead bodies. Well maybe they did? She'd never LARPed before so she didn't know.

"Are you alright?"

The people she'd apparently rescued, a woman and her son, looked gratefully at her. The woman was possibly slightly older than Caffeine by maybe a few years. Her son, maybe no older than 10 looked at her in amazement. "You killed them all by yourself!" he exclaimed. "You're really strong!"

"Did my husband send you to rescue us? I cannot imagine Fergus arranging a rescue mission so quickly."

Confused, Caffeine asked, "Rescue mission? No, I'm afraid not."

"Then you were traveling?"

Caffeine nodded, running a hand over the top of her dark blonde hair nervously. "I guess you could say that. Um, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Where exactly am I?"


	2. Good Intentions

~ 2 Months Later ~

 “Hey, Assholes! When the hell are you gonna let me out of here?!” 

No response. _Honestly it’s like they just fucking left me alone,_ Caffeine mused. After saving the lives of the apparent daughter in law and grandson of Teyrn Bryce Cousland, she’d been at the estate for about a month, before an incident involving the Teyrn’s daughter and her helping a local village led to her getting arrested by Templars. 

What the fuck were these people’s problems with magic anyhow? All she’d done was heal some people, put out some fires, and suddenly she was branded as an apostate. No explanation. No polite conversation. Just arrest the woman who’d saved half the village from a fucking dragon attack. 

“You fuckers need a reality check, you know that? Why the hell is using magic a crime when all I did was heal people and use some water spells to douse the fires?! I took out a god damned dragon, you religious cunts!” 

She kicked the bars on her cell door again in frustration. Still no answer except the occasional dripping of water. “And if no one answers me or brings me some food soon, I’m gonna fucking wreck this place!” she howled. There was only so much she could take and being neglected, in terms of even the most humane necessities, was pretty damn high on the list. 

No food had been brought to her for a week. She wanted an actual shower or bath—not the kind she’d made do with magic every day. She wanted a bed, and not that flimsy pair of blankets, with the moldy hay based pillow, which was apparently this prison’s standard. 

But mostly, she just wanted to get the fuck out of here. 

“I tell ya, kids, even hell has nicer rooms than this,” she told her runes. A slight poke in the back of her mind was the response. “Yeah, I mean it is Hell: Realm of Eternal Punishment and all that. But I know the people who run it and these kind of accommodations are pretty bad. I mean, at least the jailers there will hold a decent conversation!” she called out pointedly to whatever guards were in earshot. 

The only thing that replied, was the occasional drip of water on a surface in the distance.


	3. Dinner with Templars

~ 5 Months Later ~

 

“Okay, you fuckers, let’s get something straight!”

 

Caffeine grabbed the templar who had been in charge of her latest merry band of stalkers by the neck of his armor and brought his face close to hers. “I don’t know why you piss nuggets suddenly give a shit about me but your little organization had me locked up in that hole with no food, no clean water and no supervision! So give me one good reason to not break your legs and let my friends,” she motioned her head towards a large brown bear and couple of wolves that were waiting to the side, “feast on your insides?”

 

“D-Demon,” he muttered.

 

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Bad choice,” she told him and bashed her forehead against him, knocking him out. She removed the templars armor and tossed his limp body to the animals. “First course goes to you, Trundle!”

 

The bear gave a satisfied roar and sank his maw into the human’s flesh. One of the wolves, a white one with grey markings made a whining noise. “Oh don’t start! You got the first body last time, remember?”

 

It yipped happily. Caffeine smirked and grabbed the other living templar, who looked at her with genuine fear. “I hope you have a better answer than demon,” she told him.

 

“We were sent here to retrieve or kill you on behalf of the Chantry. Those are our orders!”

 

“This is the same fucking Chantry who locked me up and pretty much left me to die in that hole, right? How did you find me?!”

 

He whimpered and she grabbed her knife from the ground. “Answer or I start cutting!” she shouted, holding it against his throat.

 

“Your clothes! The clothes you left at the Teryn’s estate! They made a phylactery out of the blood on them! We used that to find you!”

 

She made a mental note to revisit the Teryn’s home soon after she dealt with the Templars. “Where is the phylactery now?” she asked. The poor guy looked like he was going to piss himself. “B-back at the main camp.”

 

“Take me there.”

 

“I-I-”

 

She scowled at the man and shook him by his collar. “Listen! Almost since the day I found myself in this fucked up place, I haven’t had a single peaceful moment to myself. And if you recall: you fuckers interrupted my bath and now I have to have another one to clean up the blood on me which wouldn’t be here if your god damned Chantry hadn’t locked me up in the first place! Do you have  any idea how tired I am of this bullshit?!”

 

He started mumbling something while tears streamed out of his eyes. “Are you reciting a  prayer ?!” Looking up at the sky for some kind of invisible guidance, she flung him back to the ground. “I’m going to give you one more chance before I let my friends eat you! Take me to your main camp so I can get my phylactery or tell me something useful that will convince me to spare your life!”

 

The wolves howled in response to her words and she began to count down.

 

“5.”

 

The man struggled to fight against the fear that was preventing him to sit up.

 

“4.”

 

His eyes looked behind her at the now trio of wolves which were standing ready to jump at him.

 

“3.”

 

Their eyes flashed and they bared their fangs at him. They were going to eat him, he knew it.

 

“2.”

 

He opened his mouth to try and say something, but his voice failed him.

 

“1.”

 

The wolves leapt at him and his screams were silenced as his flesh was torn and rendered. Caffeine sighed and turned away from the carnage. A part of her knew she should have probably let him go or run away first but since this was the 3rd troop of templars she’d encountered since she’d made a rather grand exit of the pisshole she’d been imprisoned in, she was quickly losing the merciful side of her nature in regards to anyone but animals.

 

At least this group had actually been looking for her. The first had been a trio of belligerent drunks outside the main gates of Denerim. The second had been sexually assaulting a young elven girl with magical abilities that her clan had reportedly sold her out to. The girl would probably never be alright again. If she could have, Caffeine would have taken her as a companion when she left the forest instead of leaving her with the bastards who’d put her in that position.

 

At least the Keeper seemed genuinely horrified at the girl’s condition and was welcoming enough with their gratitude for Caffeine’s rescue. She’d even offered to let her travel with the clan for a while. The human had declined the offer, obviously.

 

She finished washing herself off, glad for the protective powers of runes to guard against normal magic and sword damage. She’d had to fight 4 of those armored pricks almost completely naked and although she was good at fighting, (practically demonic according to the one Trundle the Bear was munching on) she would have probably been killed or worse if she didn’t have her runes.

 

A happy kind of hum in the back of her brain let her know how they felt about her thoughts. “Yes, yes. You all are awesome.” She laughed a bit and felt the eyes of the animals she’d been traveling with on her. “I’m just talking to my runes again. Continue eating.”

 

She washed the blood out of her clothes and used a fire and wind spell combination to clean them and her body off before getting dressed. “Stay here. Guard the stuff until I get back,” she told the animals. “I’ve got a templar camp to invade.”

 

The biggest of the wolves yipped in understanding while Trundle made a noise. “Oh don’t act like that. I haven’t made you guys your own armor sets yet and I’m not risking an archer getting off a lucky shot. Capiche?”

 

The bear sneezed once and she smiled, giving it a good scratch behind his ears.

 

“That’s a good bear. Now finish your dinner. I’ll be back soon.”

 

The smallest of the 3 wolves let out a worried whine as a response. Caffeine gave it a reassuring grin. “Don’t worry, Pip,” she told it. “Something happens, you guys will be fine. You’ve got my scent. And besides: you’re three wolves and a bear. As long as you watch each other’s backs and don’t tear each other apart, you should be fine. Sugar.”

 

A large black female with brown eyes looked up at Caffeine. “You’re alpha until I come back,” she informed the she-wolf. A bark of understanding sounded and Caffeine grabbed the rest of her weapons, heading into the woods.

 

“Time to hunt.”


	4. Welcome to Kinloch Hold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a beta.

~ 3 Weeks Later ~

 

“She must be arrested and taken to Aeonar!”

 

Caffeine looked at the Knight Commander in charge of Kinloch Hold’s Templars with a cocked eyebrow. “You really wanna try that dance again, old man?” she asked. He scowled at her. “You are either insane or an abomination! And if what you’ve claimed is true, the Chantry already has orders-”

 

“Which is why I so graciously volunteered to come to the closest Circle Tower I could find,” Caffeine reminded him. She looked at the First Enchanter, a man called Irving. “I can easily fix the doors I broke. It won’t be a problem if you let me stay while the fucking Chantry decides to back off. And it’ll give you a chance to see magics and learn some things you probably don’t know.”

 

“You’re skills are impressive,” the man in robes told her. “I don’t know how you think you can fix those doors on your own, however I’m willing to let you try. Greagoir, letting her stay here seems like the best alternative. Not to mention I am certain you have a few more problems right now than arguing against our guest’s accommodations.”

 

“She broke down the front doors of the Tower, injured several of my veteran officers and all without so much as acquiring scratch!”

 

Caffeine pointed at him. “Nobody would let me in and those men attacked me first,” she exclaimed. “I only came here because I was tired of running into templar squads that were either abusing their power or hunting me!”

 

“So you claim.”

 

“Um, would you like to take another gander at the massive amounts of armor with bloodstains I brought you as proof I’m not to be messed with?” she asked in a challenging tone. She looked at Irving once again. “Listen, I already broke out of an apparently unbreakable prison once. I’m here until I can either figure out a way back to where I came from or I get bored and leave. At least with my being here,” she glanced at Gregoir, “your precious little organization can keep an eye on me without having to worry about any more of their agents meeting an untimely end. Anyone with half a brain can tell that me coming here was a smarter move than staying out in the wilds.”

 

The Templar commander made a sound of grumbled agreement while Irving nodded at her words. “It is clear you would have been quite successful in avoiding capture for a time,” he mused. “However one might argue you walking into the lion’s den instead of staying away might be beyond foolish.”

 

“The other idea I had been entertaining was far more foolish! I flipped a coin. It was either come here or launch an attack on the Chantry’s headquarters. Don’t know how long I would have lasted in the siege but it would have been one hell of a battle! And a lot of people would be dead.”

 

“You shouldn’t speak of these kinds of things so lightly, girl.”

 

“I wasn’t. This how I normally talk. You’ll learn that while we spend time together.”

 

She shot him a sarcastically sweet smile. Honestly, she didn’t have an issue with Greagoir aside from her normal ‘people-in-charge-have-a-tendency-to-rub-me-the-wrong-way’ reaction. To be honest he was actually handling her being here pretty damn well. She had to give him props. As for Irving, he seemed a decent fellow but she’d have to spend more time around him to formulate a solid opinion.

 

“So? Can I stay?”

 

Irving looked at her, assessing her for a minute. “I do not see the harm in letting you reside in the Tower. For now. Your arguments on the matter have been solid, if a little unusual. I believe it will be the safest course of action. What about your… companions?”

 

Breaking out in a grin, she asked, “You mean the bear and 3 wolves sporting armor in the main hall?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Yeah, they stay with me.”

 

“They are wild animals and cannot be treated like common pets!” Greagoir declared. Caffeine glared at him, her opinion of him slightly souring. “They are not my pets! They are my friends and I will not leave them behind! The only reason they’re here right now is because they refused to stay behind in Brecillian Forest!”

 

“Calm yourselves, both of you! She obviously has talents of a ranger, Greagoir,” Irving stated, his tone calming. “And please forgive Greagoir for his unintentional slight of your friends as you call them, my dear. You seem to just grow in surprises and he is not the type of man who likes sudden changes. I will attempt to find proper accommodations for you all but it may take some time.”

 

“I’ll try and be patient. As for me, I swear that I won’t leave the Tower for anything minus an emergency or to take my quote-unquote pets on a run around the lake. I’ll even agree to you making me a phylactery so you know I’m serious about staying. And so long as you keep me and mine safe from a bunch of overzealous religious types, we should get along just fine.”

 

“Greagoir?”

 

The templar glared at her but nodded his head in agreement. Caffeine smiled at him, giving him her most innocent grin. “Then I look forward to working with you,” she proclaimed and held out her hand to Greagoir. He eyed it hesitantly before giving it a firm but quick shake.

 

“If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen. I have companions to inform. I’ll be down in the area near the main hall. And First Enchanter Irving? If you could give me a tour and maybe show me where I can get some food later on, I would seriously appreciate it.”

 

“Of course.”


	5. The Importance of Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're teaching fire magic in a place filled with books.... What the hell is wrong with these people?!

~ 1 Month Later ~

 

Why the hell were these people so rude? If it weren’t most of the apprentices giving her dirty looks or avoiding her like the plague, it was the templars. “You make cookies people liked, they find out you made them and suddenly no one wants any!” she said to one of the few residents of the circle who treated her well. Jowan, a man in his early to mid 20s, with dark hair and dark eyes took another cookie from the plate in front of her.

 

“These are delicious. Did you cook a lot back home?”

 

“Only in school or while I was camping out,” she informed him.

 

“Your life must have been so different from how it is now.I can’t imagine being able to do have the things you can and yet you still stay here.”

 

“The Chantry isn’t trying to kill you every time you step foot in the gardens or get some fresh air,” Caffeine reminded him. “You guys have it rough too. You can’t leave this tower except on Circle business which barely ever happens and that’s only if you have succeeded in that harrowing test. Back home you’d have graduated years ago and probably gotten married to some nice girl by now. This place is a prison mixed with a boarding school. Except you guys don’t have the option to leave or have real lives.”

 

“I wish we could live in your home,” Jowan told her sadly. “It sounds like mages are treated much better. You have practical tests and families and freedom. Sounds like heaven.”

 

“Well it has it’s problems but it’s definitely several steps up from how this place is run. Although I’m pretty sure Kinloch isn’t the worst circle around. Irving’s a pretty cool dude, reminds me a little of a principal I had once. The teachers are decent. Food’s good. I could do without all the religious bullshit. All in all, I won’t complain too much. You think you can finish these cookies without me? Irving wanted to talk to me about something.”

 

“Are you trying to fatten me up?”

 

She winked at him with a smile. “Oh yes! I’m a sucker for chubby men,” she joked, sticking a cookie into her own mouth. Jowan blushed but let out a hearty laugh as she grabbed a couple of cookies to give to Irving. “Later, Jowan!”

 

She liked Jowan. Not in a romantic way but since they’d met, they’d developed an easy friendship. He was a slightly nervous man at times but for some reason he seemed to like her. Maybe it was her shining personality? She laughed at that thought.

 

She passed through the Mage apprentice teaching rooms and watched as one very nervous apprentice set himself on fire. “You know smart people would do that in a room not containing so many flammable and important books for studying,” she quipped to the mage’s advisor. Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, she ignored the look the trainer had given her. “Don’t you have anything better to do?” he asked, irritation rich in his voice.

 

“Irving wants me but aside from that he,” she motioned towards the student, “is still having concentration issues. Haven’t you thought about teaching him any meditation or focusing exercises?”

 

“You need to mind your own business.”

 

“Hey, when he sets himself on fire because of how nervous he is that’s a sign he’s not learned enough to relax.”

 

“And I suppose you can do so much better?”

 

Caffein flashed him her best most fake polite smile. “Clark, turn towards me please.” The apprentice blinked in shock at her knowing his name but did as she commanded. “I want you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.”

 

“A-alright.”

 

“For a few minutes I want you to just inhale and exhale. Block out all distractions and focus on your breathing. When you feel your pulse no longer racing and you don’t hear the pounding in your ears, I want you to let me know. No sooner or later. Just breath.”

 

He nodded and began while Caffeine conjured a candle onto the table close by. “Well don’t just stand there like statue,” she told the trainer. “Help me clear the table.”

 

“No.”

 

“Would it make you feel better if I said please?”

 

“It make me feel better if you explained what you hoped to accomplish besides irritating me and undermining my authority.”

 

“Like I said: he needs to learn how to focus. By having him calm himself through breathing, he can easier focus on lighting the candle. And by concentrating on lighting a candle instead of the bonfire your dumb ass had him in front of there’s less risk he will fall into a panic by using flame magic. Understand?”

 

The now familiar glare directed towards her was brushed off like water from a duck’s back. “How you doing,Clark?” she asked as she put aside the last books. He smiled at her. “Um, I’m definitely calmer now.”

 

“Good. Now you see this candle here?”

 

He nodded.

 

“I want you to stare at it and remember how it looks.” A minute passed. “Good. Now close your eyes and imagine the candle on the table. Can you see it clearly?”

 

He nodded again.

 

“Now feel the area around the wick. The thin layer of the air around it. Focus as closely upon it as much you can and heat it up with each exhale of your breath.”

 

Another minute passed and he opened his eyes as the candle wick ignited. Caffeine yelled happily, giving the beaming man a congratulatory arm shake. “Well done, Clark! I knew you could do it.”

 

His trainer didn’t look pleased. In fact he looked pissed. Why not? She’d just helped his student succeed in a task they’d been struggling with for weeks. “Why don’t you go see Irving?!” he snarled.

 

“I think I’ll do that and leave you to lick your wounds. Good job, Clark. Focus on the small things and soon you’ll be able to tackle the big fires.”

 

“Thank you, Miss.”

 

“Caffeine. Please call me by my name. See you.”


	6. Meeting Cullen

_Haven’t seen this guy before..._

 

Caffeine walked up to the new templar who stood in the senior mage quarters hallway. “You’re new,” she stated and he looked at her. He nodded.

 

“Have they warned you about the crazy mage who shows up yet?”

 

He looked confused and she nodded. “This mage broke _into_ the circle a few months ago so the Chantry would leave her alone. Literally broke the doors on the first floor to get in.” His eyes widened a little and crossed her arms over her chest. “Knight Commander Greagoir wanted her to be taken to Aeonar but _she_ convinced First Enchanter Irving to keep her here. She’s got 3 wolves and a bear that roam the grounds and has to go outside occasionally to make sure they’re safe. I’ve heard she strips down completely nude when she does it! It’s quite a sight apparently.”

 

“N-nude?!”

 

“Or at least I would but things tend to get insane when I lose my clothes,” she explained with a huge grin to the rather flustered male. His eyes got wide as he realized the truth. “Was any of that true?” he asked.

 

She laughed. “Most of it. I wanted to see your reaction if I pretended I would actually lose my clothes during my outside trips. I wanted to know how the stuffy the really attractive new templar was.”

 

His face grew red but it wasn’t out of anger or irritation. “I’m Caffeine,” she introduced, holding out her hand in greeting. “And you?”

 

“Cullen.”

 

He didn’t shake her hand and after a few minutes, she pulled it away. “Well then, Cullen, I will leave you to your patrol. But first…” She grabbed his hand and gave him one of the cookies she’d made. “Irving wants me and if I wait any longer, someone will tattle about my helping another student learn fire magic. See ya later, Cullen.”

  
She headed towards Irving’s office, leaving him to watch her go and then look at the cookie she gave him.


	7. I Am So Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously. Life Sucks.

So I would be working on this but I'm missing some key stuff for my game. Like DLC. And it blows. You honestly have no clue. So thank you for sticking around and um, yeah... Third Times a Savior will probably be updated soon since I own the GOTY edition now. I wish I could say I owned the Ultimate Editions with all the DLC for this and DA2 but life hates me. No matter how much I save up.


	8. WE'RE GETTING A REWRITE!

You guys deserve it and let's face it... it needs one. I got unhappy and in a rut and things have been hard so I'm hoping rewriting this will make things better! I'm aiming for next Friday (8-26) for the new first chapter to go up. I'm still very sorry... Things have been really... difficult.


End file.
